Project Shakespeare Squallio And Rinoette
by Sabam And The Bobo
Summary: Final Fantasy VIII cast in Romeo and Juliet. The greatest love tragedy the world has ever seen. For Romeo and Juliet, it is always too late.
1. Act I, Scene I to II

Disclaimer: We do not own Final Fantasy VIII, neither do we own Romeo and Juliet. That is all we wish to say.  
  
The Spoof  
  
**A reporter holds a microphone to the ingenious duo, sitting poised in their poofy Hollywood recliners. They are wearing sunglasses and shiny clothes. Lin flashes her tooth grin as Sam only smirks on**  
  
Reporter: Tell me, what possessed you to write this wonderful script based on Romeo and Juliet with the characters in Final Fantasy VIII?  
  
Lin: Oh, we weren't possessed. We're always like this! *Thumbs up*  
  
Reporter: *Laughs cheerfully* Oh, you're so funny!  
  
Sam: Actually, we're dead serious.  
  
Reporter: *Silent for a moment, then clears her throat* Right . well, anyways! Tell us the title of your play!  
  
Sam: It's called-  
  
Selphie: *In the background* FUN TIME!  
  
Irvine: Pick Up Chicks Time!  
  
Rinoa: Chh, it's called 'Squallio and Rinoette'  
  
Lin: That was unnecessarily gay. *Waves the actors away* It's called 'The Spoof'.  
  
Reporter: Very original.  
  
Sam: I know, I came up with it.  
  
Lin: *Gasps, insulted* Lies!  
  
Sam: No, I really did.  
  
Lin: You really didn't.  
  
Sam: Yeah, I really did.  
  
Lin: No .  
  
Sam: Ye-  
  
Reporter: Ok! This is Sandy Renaldo signing off with my hairstyle of the week.  
  
Sam: That is ugly.  
  
Lin: Looks like something crawled there and died.  
  
Sam: And some hair is thinning out right around-  
  
Reporter: Ok, shut up!  
  
***  
  
**Tonight, on prime TV . we air for this time, and this time only 'The Spoof' that made box office. The one and only presentation of this wonderful play, edited by Sam and Lin, was last weekend. Hope you're tuning in because if you aren't, you must be one hell of a loser.**  
  
**Red, velvet curtains are draped across the stage that will become a magnificent show. One, solitary light goes on and it moves across the curtains. It then shoots up onto one of the balconies and the figures of the two directors are seen.**  
  
Sam: Welcome one!  
  
Lin: Welcome all!  
  
Sam: We are so proud to present our own spoof of Romeo and Juliet with your favorite characters of Final Fantasy VIII!  
  
Lin: And so to begin . *Clapping is head* Chorus . shall lead us into it.  
  
**Gnome is seen on stage, the curtains are still closed. He clears his throat and waits for the applause to be done.**  
  
Gnome: Two households both alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life. Whose misadventure piteous overthrows. Doth with their death bury their parents' strife. The fearful passage of their death-marked love and the continuance of their parents' rage which, but their children's end not could remove s now the two-hour's traffic of our stage. The which if you with patient ears attend what here shall miss, our toil will strive to mend.  
  
(Lin: *Whispers to Sam* See? See! I told you it was a good idea to hire him.  
  
Sam: Ok, by the way he's walking . that dwarf is drunk off his ass.  
  
Lin: Oh, fiddlesticks! He doesn't even have a slur.)  
  
Gnome: *Pukes as he exits the stage, crowd groans with discomfort*  
  
(Lin: Ok . maybe he's had a wee bit.  
  
Sam: By what's on his shirt, I think that was a wee bit more than a wee bit. Definitely the work of tequila, damn Mexican dealers.)  
  
**A thousand naked children appear on stage as the curtain draws with wooden swords, poky sticks and brooms. They start bitch-slapping each other and smacking themselves with their weapons**  
  
Child #106: Ow, my bum!  
  
Child #34: It's stuck there! I can't get it out!  
  
(Sam: *Whispers* Oh you're creative juices must have been raging rivers when you thought up that scene. *Sinking low in her chair so not to be seen*  
  
Lin: Hee . )  
  
**Zell and Fujin appear on stage as Benvolio and Tybalt**  
  
Zell: What be this fray? STOP! You know not what you do! For the sake of Hotdogs! You shameful, naked children! Put up thy swords . no, not those ones!  
  
Fujin: COWARD! FIGHT! Deeeath! *Prods with plastic light saber. Looks at children* DIGUST! *Attention returns to Zell and begins to fights with him*  
  
**Caraway and Cid as Capulet and his wife. Cid is wearing a blond wig and a dress . he looks quite happy about it too**  
  
Caraway: What noise is this? Give me my longsword, ho!  
  
Cid: Oh you heartless jerk! *Cries* I'm not a ho.  
  
Caraway: *Clenches his teeth* That's the line!  
  
Cid: Ooh! Oooh! Uh . no. Because . you are old and . frail. Not only on the battlefield but in the bedroom too. *Giggles*  
  
Caraway: *Clears his throat* My sword I say!  
  
**Enter Norg and Adel as Montague and his wife**  
  
Norg: Bujurururururu! I am FAT!  
  
Adel: And ugly.  
  
Norg: Bujururururu, you know you like it bitch! Who's yo daddy? Bujururu . I am Montague. What fray be this here now then be? Do not hold me back .  
  
Adel: *Pinches his blubber* Do not participate in this, you old fool. *Very, very, very monotonous voice*  
  
Norg: Tee hee! That tickles!  
  
**Prince Escalus who is played by a moomba enters stage left on a wooden horse on wheels that is being pulled from the other side of the stage discreetly. He wears a crown and a name tag that says 'Prince'.**  
  
Moomba: *Gives the finger to naked children and the Montagues and Capulets. The message seems quite clear.*  
  
Norg: Bujurururururu! I apologize! I was beating them at the orphanage and they got away.  
  
Moomba: *In moomba language* If you disrupt the peace once more than you will pay for it with your lives.  
  
**Everyone nods in unison and all exit except Benvolio, Montague and his wife**  
  
Norg: Bujurururu! Tell me, good Benvolio . who be it that start this fray be here, who?  
  
Zell: *Looks at him queerly* Well, I was having me a hotdog in the plaza . when BAM! Thousands of nakeds of children coming out from every nook and cranny! So I says to Mable, that's the waitress, 'I've never spotted so many naked children except at my uncle's orphanage!' and then they started prodding themselves with those dildos and I was like 'Wooooah!' and Tybalt came out of nowhere and scared thy shit out of me! I nearly choked on his wiener! I mean . MY HOTDOG!  
  
(Lin: *Pissing herself laughing and chokes on her hotdog*  
  
Sam: *Casually watching with popcorn*)  
  
Adel: I'm glad my worthless son wasn't there. He would have raped the children. Hath you seen him, Benvolio?  
  
Zell: Well . women seem to think he's gay, to be politically correct 'homosexual' . so he's all sad 'cause he ain't getting none. Oh, here he is.  
  
**Squall as Romeo enters stage right**  
  
Norg: Bujururururururu! The sight of his ugly-ness is mortifying. Let's away! To the lard mobile!  
  
**Adel pushes Norg and he rolls off stage without trouble. She exits herself**  
  
Zell: I have something that'll cheer you up!  
  
Squall: No need, a flock of running naked children came my way.  
  
Zell: Ah . *Wriggles eyebrows*  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zell: Wanna go to a party so we can get drunk AND laid?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zell: I see that 'gimme-gimme' look in your eyes .  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
**Curtain closes.** 


	2. Act I, Scene III to V

**Curtain opens on Seifer as Paris and Caraway who is still playing Capulet.**  
  
Sefeir: Give me your daughter and I will give you a wheel of blue cheese.  
  
Caraway: Add some SPANK and you've got yourself a deal and roasted chicken.  
  
Sefeir: Oooh, I'll give you some SPANK.  
  
Caraway: Hee hee! But I warn you that she hath not seen the change of fourteen years and henceforth, she is not 'ripest' fruit you can find. Be gentle with her, she has not seen the sheets of a man's bed.  
  
Sefeir: No, but I've seen her sheets.  
  
Caraway: Excuse me?  
  
Sefeir: I mean-uh ... I did not touch the merchandise. No, no ... no touchey.  
  
(Sam: *From balcony* FOR CHRIST'S SALTY SAKE, STAY ON SCRIPT!)  
  
Caraway: Damn straight. We shall have a party tonight! Yaay! With balloons ... *Ponders* And confetti!  
  
Sefeir: Yay!  
  
Caraway: *Stupid smile* So ... yeah ... the news is already out. Let us speak SPANK.  
  
**Curtain closes. Then reopens on Zell and Squall walking through the streets of Verona**  
  
Zell: Tit,man...oops! I mean...TUT man! I thought those kiddies cheered you up.  
  
**Rajin enters as a messenger**  
  
Rajin: Me no read, ya know. If thy aren't not from the Montagues, read me el paper, sil vous plait.  
  
Zell: Ooh! It's a PAR-TAY! At the Capulet's! Whee! I hear their daughter's got a pretty nice ass. We may be able to get you a little rendez-vous, if ya know what I mean.  
  
Rajin: ... Ya know.  
  
Squall: Whatever. I want to justify that nice ass for myself.  
  
**Curtain closes and opens in Juliet's/Rinoa's chambers**  
  
Cid: *In a high-pitched voice* Juliet! Juliet!  
  
Edea: *As the nurse* Juliet, oh Juliet! We come to talk of marriage! Come now ... *Sudden mood swing* GET YOUR SKANKY ASS IN HERE NOW!  
  
Rinoa: *Saunters in* Marriage? It is a honor I dream not of.  
  
Cid: Well, that Paris is QUITE the pimp so you should have lots of fun with him. Why I caught him and your father-  
  
Rinoa: *Looks pleadingly at the balcony where Sam and Lin are sitting*  
  
(Lin: *Thumbs up*  
  
Sam: *Groans* For the Love of God ... why can't they stick to the script?)  
  
Rinoa: Uh ... *Interrupts Cid's rambling of strange homosexual scenes* I will attend the party but ... I don't really want to marry the guy.  
  
Cid: Oh fiddlesticks, you'll love him! Enough with the shenanigans. Go put some clothes on.  
  
Rinoa: I have clothes on.  
  
Cid: The way I'm imagining you, you don't.  
  
Rinoa: *Runs off stage and the curtain closes*  
  
**Curtain reopens on Benvolio (Zell), Mercutio (Irvine) and Romeo (Squall).**  
  
Zell: Tonight's the night! We're gonna get you hooked up with a fat, hairy chick!  
  
Squall: Whatever, just give me the freaking torch.  
  
Irvine: If you don't want the hairy, fat chick. I'll gladly take her off your hands. Besides, you're a pimpster! Just rip the wings off of that naked lil child named 'Cupid' and FLY! Love is like a prick ... I'm a prick, so I'm like love. Everyone likes love ... everyone love me. But I like aggressive love. I'm a prick with a prick. Both are like love ... so love them nicely.  
  
Squall: JUST GET ME A FREAKING TORCH!  
  
Irvine: Isn't there one in your pants. Oh, lookey! It's lit!  
  
Squall: ... whatever. I dreamt a dream tonight.  
  
Irvine: *Gasp* So did I!  
  
Squall: What did you dream?  
  
Irvine: That dreamers often lie! I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She's the fairy mid-wife that gives birth to your children in thy sleep and then eats them! Her chariot is an empty hazelnut with squirrels pulling it! I like squirrels! I like to eat them! Squirrels are like babies! You scoop out their brains with a spoon! There's a fork in my ear!  
  
Squall: Where're you going with this?  
  
Irvine: I'm not sure, I lost myself at the hazelnut. And when she eats your babies she shits them out on your windshield! If she gets angry then she plagues you with herpies and blisters! Mouth herpies are gross.  
  
Zell: Peace, Mercutio ... peace. Thou talkest of nothing.  
  
Irvine: JIBBER JABBER! I talkest of dreams!  
  
Zell: You talkest of LSD.  
  
Irvine: BIGOT!!!! BIGOT!!!  
  
**Squall and Zell walk a little ahead trying to leave him behind but he follows them**  
  
Irvine: SPOON BIGGOT! BIGGOT!  
  
**Curtain closes and reopens at the party**  
  
Caraway: Welcome gentlemen and ladies that have their toes unplagued with corns will walk about you. Aha-ha-ha! *He mingles with the people*  
  
Squall: *Spots Rinoa in the far corner of the room. He thinks aloud to himself* Why that's a nice piece of ass right there. I think I should watch her from here because there might be a magnetize forced pulling my rude hand in inappropriate places ... *Wiggles fingers*  
  
Fujin: Him Montague! *Orders to a random, naked child* Fetch pointyness!  
  
Caraway: Young Romeo, is it? Word has it he's a 'mo! Leave him be! ... cock- a-hoop!  
  
Fujin: Crazy.  
  
Caraway: You saucy moron.  
  
Squall: *Can't help himself any longer* Hello, hello!  
  
Rinoa: *Smiles sweetly* Hello handsome ... *Like an Italian prostitute*  
  
Squall: Excellent, we have an ice breaker! *His eyebrows wiggle* So ... whatever ... and, uhm ... lest not my idle hand profane thy ass ... I mean, bosom ... so erm, can I kiss now?  
  
Rinoa: YES! *Redeems herself* I mean, thou do your hands wrong too much. My hands and lips are only used for prayer! *Clasps her hands together* Keepin' it Christian, hells ya!  
  
Squall: Have not Saints' lips and holy palmers too?  
  
Rinoa: Are you fuckin-I mean ... dost thou not hearest me? ONLY IN PRAYER! You dirty, dirty boy ... *Shakes finger reprimandingly*  
  
Squall: Whatever. Let lips do what hands do, let 'em pray! Grant me a miracle! Purge my sins!! *He kisses her*  
  
Rinoa: *Breaks away* I don't want your frickin' sins!  
  
Squall: Whatever, I'll be taking those back then ... *Kisses her AGAIN*  
  
Rinoa: *Smirks* You kiss by th' book ...  
  
Squall: *Tucks a kissing manual behind his back* What makes you say that?  
  
Edea: Madame, your mother craves you ... I mean, a WORD WITH YOU!  
  
Squall: What is her mother?  
  
Edea: A man ... but shh ... it's a secret. None must know, not even the Lord. I nursed her daughter, that thou speakest to and I tell you that he who can lay hold of her shall have the chinks!  
  
Squall: Isn't that some form of scabbies ... STD?  
  
Edea: Precisely ...  
  
Rinoa: HEY! Where did this come from suddenly?  
  
Squall: Is she a Capulet? Aw phooey!  
  
Zell: Away, be gone, the sport is at the best! *Wriggles his eyebrows and exits trying to grab a young woman's ass, making piggy noises and snorting*  
  
Squall: Aw, now I'm Squall-like and depressed. Whatever. *Exits*  
  
Caraway: *Talking to air* But don't you want some roasted beefcakes? *Has smoked a doobie or two* FINE! BE THAT WAY! I'll go wax my legs! Ah, sirrah, by my fay, I'll to my rest ... and we all know what that means ... *Exits*  
  
Rinoa: *To Edea* Nurse, come hither ... *She points to Squall who is slouching out the door all mopey and Squall-like, whatever* Who bee-ist thine yonder gentlemen ... HO!  
  
Edea: *She squints* That's the son and heir of Toblerone ... mm, chocolate.  
  
Rinoa: NO! Not that one ... *She points to Squall and emphasizes* HIM!  
  
Edea: Oh, why I believe ... *Leans forward* Marry, I believe that be young Pistachio ... mm, I could go for nuts right now!!  
  
Rinoa: ARE YOU FLIPPING BLIND, WOMAN?? THAT ONE!! *Runs to the door, grabs Squall by the collar and drags him across to Edea* HIM! *Shoves him backwards*  
  
Squall: *Stumbles backwards, confused* Oh no! You made me drop my doobie! Where'd it go? Where'd it go?! *Crawls on all fours, out the door in the search for his spliff*  
  
Edea: I AM NOT BLIND YOU INSOLENT CHILD OF HELL! *Takes a spoon and begins to beat Rinoa with it, crowd gasps* TIME COMPRESSION! SUMMON LIZARDS! Woo, pretty lights ... *Gazes off into the distance*  
  
Rinoa: *Bleeding from the ears, crying*  
  
Edea: Yes, so ... anyways, his name is young Romeo ... a Montague, the only son of your great enemy.  
  
Rinoa: *Croaks out words painfully* Oh woe is me, my only love sprung from my only hate ... someone call 911 ... please ... too early seen unknown and known too late ... *Points at man in the crowd* Give me that cellphone ... Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy ... GOD WILL SOMEONE HELP ME!? *Collapses on the stage*  
  
Edea: What is this? What is this weakness? NO PAIN, NO GAIN, CHILD! *Raises spoons and curtain draws*  
  
Review and this shall be continued ...  
  
P.S. We're not on crack ... sometimes we're not hippopotamuses either! 


End file.
